The Pain of Loss and Healing
by Caeleinn
Summary: Months after the events of Journey's End, the Doctor returns to Earth and runs into an old friend. Memories are shared, tears are shed, and hearts begin to heal.
1. Chapter One

**Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. I do own Kristen. I also own a pet rock that just piddled on my desk. My beta reader, rh2006fan, is made of awesomes.  
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It was a beautiful summer day in the city of London, and I was taking full advantage of it. There was a small circus set up in Regent's Park and I had gotten drawn into the crowds. I was laughing at the antics of the clowns when I caught a flash of brown in the corner of my eye. Turning my head to see what it was, I caught sight of _him_. I sighed, and wondered what calamity was about to hit the Earth this time. Still, I felt almost obligated to at least say hello to the bugger, so I made my way over to stand beside him.

"So, let me guess…the clowns are an evil race of aliens that are hell bent on taking over the Earth by hypnotizing us through mime, right?" I casually asked him.

He stood there with his long overcoat pulled back, his hands stuffed down inside his pants pockets. He turned his head to look at me, his left eyebrow raised, an incredulous look on the rest of his face. "Erm, no. Although, I will grant you that while clowns in general _are_ evil, these in particular are not 'hell bent on taking over the Earth', as you so aptly put it. The lion tamer, on the other hand, is a bit suspect," he replied.

I turned to look at him and smiled. He smiled back at me, then pulled his hands out of his pockets, opening his arms wide to wrap around me in a hug. I hugged him back and whispered, "Hello, Doctor" against his ear. I heard him say, "Hello, Kristen" in return.

He pulled back, his arms still around my waist, and grinned down at me. "It's good to see you," he said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been, Doctor, I've been. Good days, bad days, all the ones in between. I will throw caution to the wind and say that it's good to see you, too, although I'm still wary of some great disaster about to happen."

"Oi, trouble does not happen every time I'm around," he said indignantly.

"You sure about that?" I asked him teasingly. "I remember the old 'oh, just a quick stop on this planet, a little relaxing, nothing could go wrong' kind of trips we used to make."

"Okay, at least 40 percent of the time, trouble doesn't happen."

I laughed, and hugged him again, just for the heck of it. When I pulled away, I started glancing around, wondering where his latest companion had gotten off to. "So…where's the new girl? Has she already wondered off? Thought that was rule number one with you," I said, turning to look at him, and finally noticing how his face suddenly looked older and much, much sadder.

"Oi, what's wrong? C'mon, Doctor…let's go sit down. You look like death warmed over," I said, taking his arm and leading him to a nearby bench. He didn't protest, and that in itself was shocking. He sat down heavily, his shoulders stooped, looking like a man that had just lost his best friend in the world. How was I to know that was indeed what had happened?

"She's gone. I had to…I had to take her home," he said quietly.

"What happened? Was it something to do with all those planets in the sky a couple months ago?"

He looked up at me then focused his gaze on a spot on the ground about 3 feet in front of him. "Yeah, you could say that. There was…an accident. You remember what I told you about regeneration, right? Well, I almost did…but I wasn't really hurt bad enough for a full regeneration, so I just used the energy to heal myself, then sent the rest of it into a spare hand that I had in a jar…"

"That spare hand? Why are you keeping that thing around? For spare parts, just in case? Geez, Doctor, I knew you were alien, but…"

"No, I don't keep spare parts. It was my own hand; it got cut off in a sword fight a few Christmases back. A friend of mine found it, and kept it so it would fall into the wrong…hands…oh, anyway! There was my spare hand, with all this extra energy inside of it, inside my TARDIS, which had gotten hi-jacked by the Daleks, and was being ripped apart inside the heart of their ship. With Donna trapped inside. Anyway, long story short, she touched the hand, which triggered the regeneration cycle, another me grew out of that hand, and Donna…well…Donna got zapped with my brain."

I sat there and looked at him for a moment. "Hold on…there are now two of you running around in the universe? Oh, good lord. Okay, sorry, sorry," I said, at the look he shot at me. "So, Donna got your brain…and that's bad, I take it?"

"Very bad. The human brain is just not capable of containing everything a Time Lord knows. It's too small." I looked hard at him; my eyes squinting shut just a little. He looked at me, and said, "Well, it is. My brain is bigger. Biological fact."

"So I take it your skull is bigger on the inside?"

He looked askance at me. "Well, your head appears to be the normal size for a human. So if your brain is bigger, Mr. Smarty Pants, how does it fit into a normal size head, hmmm?" I asked him.

He looked troubled for a moment, then suddenly grinned and laughed. "Bigger on the inside…I never thought of that. I guess it would have to be, wouldn't it?"

I smiled, glad to see a little humor return to his eyes, sorry I was going to have to watch it flee again with my next question. "So, Donna suddenly had the mind of a Time Lord inside her brain…"

His eyes shut down again, and he nodded his head. Quietly, he said, "Yes, and it was going to kill her. In order to save her, I had to wipe her memories. I had to erase every single thing about me or the TARDIS from her mind. I took her home, and then I had to tell her mother and grandfather that they could never mention me. She couldn't remember, even for one second, because if she does…she'll burn up. So I had to leave my best mate. Again, I had to abandon someone I…" He swallowed hard and stopped speaking.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him closer, his head falling down on my shoulder. "Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry. First Rose, then Martha, now Donna. I am so sorry." I held him, and felt his shoulders shake just a little, before he pulled away, and I saw him actually pull on his emotional armor, so to speak. He sat with his hands folded together in his lap, looking around at the people enjoying their day in the park. He turned his head toward me, and gave me a penetrating look.

"I never hurt you, did I, Kristen? Intentionally or otherwise? I mean, you knew that your company was appreciated and welcomed, right? And your decision to leave, that wasn't because I was a git to you or anything, was it?"

I was a bit taken back by his questions and wondered what was causing him to ask them. This was a man who didn't look back, so what was causing this? I thought carefully before answering him, because anything but honesty would be unfair to him right now. I bit my lip, and then finally answered him. "Doctor. I knew that if you hadn't wanted me along, you never would have asked me to come with you, so yes, I knew that my presence was appreciated and welcomed. You never hurt me, as such…and the reasons for my departure are rather…complicated. It was wonderful, traveling with you, seeing the universe, making a difference on so many worlds. But deep in my heart, I knew it wasn't something I could do forever, no matter how much I might have wanted to do so. And well…there was someone special back here on Earth. I never told you that bit because I knew what you would have done, and I wanted my leaving to be my own decision. So…there you have it. The honest truth." I leaned back against the bench, not sure of what his reaction would be. Needless to say, I was shocked by what he said next.

"I see. So. Got any plans for the day? Fancy a trip in the TARDIS? She's just around the corner. I know she'd love to say hello to you again. Besides, I have to prove to you that it is possible for me to stop somewhere that trouble doesn't occur."

I turned my head to look at him, my mouth hanging open a little, not sure I had heard him right. "Did you just ask me to go on a trip with you? Again?"

"Yep," he said, popping the 'p', and clicking his teeth together for good measure.

I looked around the park, and a sudden giddiness that I hadn't felt in a long time overcame my body. I felt the earth spinning, and a sudden need to let go of the crust, to fly off into space, just to see where I landed. I turned to him with a grin, and said, "You're on, Doc."

"Then, allons-y, Bugs!" he said, calling me by his old nickname for me. We both jumped up from the bench, he grabbed my hand and started running towards the corner of the park where he had left the TARDIS. When I saw that blue box, I couldn't help the tears that welled up in my eyes. It was even worse when I got close enough to touch her. I put my hand on the door, and rubbed it and whispered, "Hello, old girl. I missed you something awful." I felt her vibrate under my hand, and smiled as the Doctor said, "She missed you, too." He pulled out his key and started to put it in the lock, when I said, "Wait. Please; let me?"

He furrowed his brows at me, and then smiled a little as he saw me pull a long chain from under my shirt, a simple key attached to it. I chuckled and said, "You haven't changed the lock, have you?"

"No, I haven't."

I took a deep breath, and slowly pushed the key into the lock and turned it. I heard the click of the lock opening, and couldn't help the delighted giggle that escaped from me. I heard the Doctor laugh behind me as I pushed the door open and walked back into the ship that had been my home for a while. The glow of the console was a beautiful aqua green and the gold lights on the wall made it feel so warm and peaceful. I breathed a contented sigh, and walked further in, touching one of the coral support beams as I made my way over to the jump seat. I stroked it fondly, noticing it had a few more duck tape repairs on it. "Are you ever gonna have this thing recovered, Doc?" I asked him.

"Why should I? It's still perfectly good, and the duck tape is still holding," he protested.

"Yeah, but it's just so…_.functional_. Doc, you should know by now that every female likes to be pampered and have new clothes bought for her on occasion." The TARDIS hummed a little louder, almost as if she were agreeing with me. I sent her a silent message that I would work on him about getting at least a slip cover for it. I could almost hear a golden chuckle in my mind.

"Barely back on board 5 minutes and already making demands? Rassilon's teeth, Bugs. I don't remember you being this pushy."

"Yeah, well, a certain Time Lord's superiority complex rubbed off on me. I now demand the things that I know I deserve."

He looked at me for a moment, obviously trying to decide if I was joking or not. I let him off the hook and grinned at him, and laughed when he gave me a loud "harrumph!" sound. He stepped up to the console and started messing with the switches, then pulled the lever that let the hand brake go. I stood still in that console room, closed my eyes, and listened to the sound of the universe as the ship dematerialized.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked him.

"Oh, right now, we're just floating in the vortex, so we could go either direction. Your choice," he said, looking at me and smiling.

"I would say set it on random, but you are trying to prove a point, soooo….how about the future?"

"The future it is! Oh, and I know just the place, too!" he exclaimed, hopping around the console, turning dials, pressing buttons, spinning…things. "Oi, Bugs, come hold that lever steady for me! You haven't forgotten your driving lessons, have you?"

"How could I forget? You stood over my shoulder with the mallet in your hand. Half the time, I thought that mallet was meant for my head," I said, grabbing the lever he had indicated. Of course, at that moment, he had the aforementioned mallet in his hand, banging lightly on one of the parts on the console. The ship came to a somewhat decent stop; decent meaning that we were thrown only about 3 feet, rather than the usual 5. The Doctor hopped up from the floor and grabbed my hand, pulled me to my feet and headed towards the door, grabbing his overcoat off of the nearby strut.

"So, Doc…where are we?" I asked, following him a little more slowly.

"Open the door and find out. I remember you always liked that bit," he replied. I smiled, and stepped around him to open the door, wondering if he had managed to set us down where he had actually intended…and if the point he was trying to prove would actually be proven.


	2. Chapter Two

**Disclaimer: Kristen is still mine, and I am now box training the pet rock. Doctor Who and David Tennant still belong to the BBC.**

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I opened the door and found we had landed in the middle of a park. In fact, I would have said we hadn't moved, if not for the architecture of the buildings surrounding us. The air was a perfect temperature, and fat white clouds floated by in the sky. There weren't any circuses with evil clowns and suspect lion tamers around, though.

I heard the Doctor step up behind me and exclaim, "Oh, this is brilliant! Wonderful!"

I turned towards him and said, "So, Doc, you gonna spill the beans about where and when we are?"

"It's the year 5 billion 55, and you, my dear Kristen-Bugs, are standing on the surface of New Earth! Smack dab in the center of New New York! Although, technically, it's the 15th since the original, so it's actually…"

"Let me guess…New new new new new new new new new new new new new new new York."

He grinned at me and grabbed my hand, saying, "C'mon! Fancy a walk in the park, Ms. Kristen?"

"Why, Sir Doctor, I would be most delighted at the company."

We set off down one of the paths, him babbling excitedly about the flora and fauna that we happened across. The air was thick with the smell of apples, but for the life of me, I couldn't spot an apple tree anywhere. When I asked him about it, he grinned and bent over, snatching some of the grass in his hand, and handed it to me. I cocked an eyebrow at him and took it, sniffed it, and there it was. I looked up at him, shocked, with a smile on my face.

"Apple grass," he said simply.

"It's gorgeous. I'd love to have some of this for my little garden," I said.

"I have some in the garden on the TARDIS. We might be able to work something out."

I dropped the grass and took his hand again. We sauntered slowly down the path, just enjoying the day and each other's company. We had fallen easily into our old way of not having to talk to each other constantly. I took the opportunity to study him with stolen glances and noted the changes since I had last seen him. He looked thinner, and there were definitely a few new small lines at the corners of his eyes. Oh, his eyes…they were so much older. They were eyes that had seen and done things that had permanently left their mark on a person. I thought about how my path had intersected, and then joined with the Doctor's. It was just after Martha had left him and that fiasco with the Titanic falling out of the sky, right towards Buckingham Palace. I was glad I had gone home to the States to visit my parents for Christmas that year. I just didn't know the strange turn my life would take when I came back to London to return to my job as a history teacher at one of the local high schools. I shook my head, thinking of that night I decided to work late in my office grading papers. I was pulled from my trip down memory lane by the sound of a heavily accented man's voice saying, "Doctor? Is that you? Well, bust my buttons, it is!"

I looked up and saw the face of the man heading towards us, pushing a stroller full of young…kittens? I tried not to let anything show on my face as this…cat person….came closer. I heard the Doctor reply happily, "Brannigan? Nooo, it can't be! It is you! Hello!"

"Well, Doctor, I hope that your presence doesn't mean something has gone wrong."

I sputtered on a laugh and turned to the Doctor, a smirk on my face. He looked at me and sighed heavily.

"Oh, for…why does everyone think that just because I show up somewhere there's trouble about? That was this one's first thought when I showed up on her planet earlier," he said, tilting his head towards me.

"Oh, Doctor, you do have an eye for the pretty girls, don't you? Your last one was a right beauty, too. Thomas Brannigan, miss. It's a pleasure to meet you. These here are my children," he said, reaching out a hand to shake mine, and then gesturing towards the kittens in the stroller.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Brannigan. I'm Kristen Jenkins. I take it your last encounter with the Doctor was…interesting?" I felt the Doctor turn confused eyes on me when I said my name. Ah, yeah…I still needed to share that bit of information with him.

"It was that, Ms. Jenkins. This man almost single handedly saved this city from complete ruin. Two years ago it was."

"Really? Is that so Doctor?"

"Yeah, just a little traffic jam that got cleared up. So, Brannigan, the kids have grown since I last saw you. Growing into right fine citizens of New Earth."

"Yes, they are. Thanks to you they are able to enjoy the sun and not grow up breathing exhaust fumes. But if you don't mind me asking, what happened to your friend, Martha, I think her name was?"

"Oh, she's fine. Back home, finished up school and became a medical doctor. She's even getting married soon."

"Oh, that's nice to hear. Ah, the children are getting antsy. Time to get them home to their mother. Goodbye, Doctor, Ms. Jenkins. Don't call me if there is trouble!" He called out as he began walking away from us.

"Bye, Mr. Brannigan! Have a lovely day!" I called to him. The Doctor waved at him, and we began walking again. I leaned towards him and bumped his shoulder. He looked down at me, and I said, "So, single handedly cleared up a traffic jam that saved the city? And Martha was with you? C'mon, that sounds like a great story. Tell it."

"Oh, he made it sound so much more than it was."

"Don't care. Spill it."

So, he reluctantly began telling me about the last time he had been here, how Martha had been kidnapped by two people so they could access the fast lane of the motorway. He told me how the senate had died from using a mutated drug and left the city above in a state of disrepair, and everything had broken down. There was hardly any power and communication with the drivers on the motorway had been on automatic. Those people had been driving for years. When he had met Brannigan, he and his wife had been driving for 12 years. It could take 6 years to go only 10 miles. It was only when he had been found by someone named Haame and transported to the senate that he had been able to do anything to help the residents of the city. One of his oldest friends, someone called the Face of Boe had given his last breaths to help the Doctor save the city. He had saved Martha, and they had continued on with their travels.

I had noticed a small note of loneliness had crept into his voice when he spoke of the Face of Boe, but I didn't press him about it. We had found a bench and taken a seat about halfway through his story. We sat there, and watched the various people walking around us, and then I said, "So, you brought me to the same place you once brought Martha?"

He turned and looked at me, and said, "You know, she said the same thing, only it was about Rose."

"So you brought Rose here, too? This planet must mean a lot to you, if you are sharing it with so many of your travelling companions."

"Well, I never thought about it that way. I never brought Donna here, though."

"You probably would have gotten around to it at some point, I'm sure. You are too fond of us humans not to keep tabs on what we are up to."

He chuckled a little, and said, "Yeah, you're probably right. Indomitable spirit, you humans. Always surviving, somehow, somewhere. Sometimes your methodology leaves a lot to be desired, but…"

"Oi, Doc! Baby steps, you know?"

"Yeah, gotta walk before you can destroy."

I smacked him on his arm and he turned to look at me with a smile. I grinned back at him, knowing this was one of our old arguments, one we were never going to finish, in my point of view. We both turned our heads away from each other. I closed my eyes and tilted it upward, listening to the sounds and smelling the smells. I had to admit, that so far, there had been no trouble occur anywhere near us.

"She came back, by the way," I heard him say so softly I almost missed it under the sound of birds chirping. I opened my eyes and looked at him again. He glanced at me, and turned his face away again. "Rose, I mean. She came back. She was there with me, when that mess with my TARDIS happened on the Dalek ship. Standing there with me, holding my hand, just like it used to be."

I didn't say anything. I knew he would continue when he was ready to talk. It took about 5 minutes, but he did finally start talking.

"She worked for Torchwood, over in that parallel world. They created this dimension cannon. She was able to cross into other parallel worlds, and had apparently been doing it for a while before she finally hit the right one. Since her world was running ahead of this one, they were able to see the trouble coming. It made her even more desperate to get to the right one to find me and warn me."

"What happened? I mean…she's not with you, so…"

"I had to take her back to the other world when everything was set back to right."

"You what?!" I said, not wanting to believe my ears. He had barely been starting to heal from his heartache when I had met him. It had been a couple of years for him at that point, and I think he found it a little easier to talk about her, but there had still been times when he just shut down…like the time I accidentally found her room. Luckily, I had barely opened the door when he had wandered past me in the corridor and he saw what room I had opened. He had reached past me and closed the door firmly and said, "That room is off limits. There are a few places on the ship you aren't allowed to wander into…that room is one of them." I had apologized and said I was just looking for a loo without going all the way back to my room, and he had just nodded and led me to one a few doors down. I never did see that wooden door with the painted roses on it again. So I was quite surprised to hear that he didn't leap at the chance to keep her with him when he was given the chance.

He stared off into space and spoke woodenly when he replied. "I had to. She didn't belong to this universe anymore. Besides, she finally has want she wanted from me for so long," he finished, rather bitterly.

"What do you mean, she has what she wanted? She wanted you!"

"And that is exactly what she got! She got me…or at least, a version of me…"

"Doctor, what in the hell are you talking about? Please explain, and use small words for the thick human."

He looked at me, and said, "You remember when I mentioned that little accident that almost caused me to regenerate? I just healed myself and sent that extra into my hand? Remember I said that when Donna touched it, another me grew out of that hand?"

"Yeah…oh my god! You left him there with her?"

"Yes. He was the result of a Time Lord-Human metacrisis. He's half human. Specifically, he only has one heart, and no regenerations. He can love her, give her children, grow old with her, and eventually die. He'll have the life with her that I couldn't give her."

"But…Doctor…she loved _you_."

"And I'm him. He has all of my memories, my thoughts, my emotions, my…everything. He's just half human."

"And I suppose Rose just cheerfully accepted this and waved bye at you?"

"No. As a matter of fact, I had to move rather quickly to leave her while I could. You see, she was rather busy kissing the other me at the time. Right after the bastard told her he loved her. Is it wrong to be jealous of myself? Rassilon, this is a psychologist's field day. But I had to do it that way. I knew that in the end this was the only way for her to be really happy."

"So you made her decision for her? Doctor, no one likes having their life decisions taken away from them, least of all a woman in love. And why didn't you tell her you loved her, you jerk? You had the opportunity, I'm sure. That kiss could have been yours!"

"I couldn't! Don't you see? She even tried to get me to say it! I couldn't say it! I had to let that other me tell her, so I would be able to leave her! It wouldn't have been fair for me to tell her that she meant so much to me, kissed her, and then left her with a copy of myself that she would never be able to accept, because she would keep trying to get back here to this universe! He needs her, because even though he looks like me, his personality and morality is what I was just after the end of the Time War. It was because of her that I am how I am today. She can do the same thing for him, and they will be happy."

"Who are you trying to convince, Doctor? Me or yourself?"

"Oh, don't you start, Bugs! You think it's not killing me to think of her with my exact copy? I may be him, and he may be me, but I only have my memories of her up to a certain point. They are over there, creating new ones…together! Memories that I won't have! I had to lose the woman I...well, you know…and then I had to wipe my best friend's memories. Do you know that while that other me and Donna and I were together, that place in my brain that told me there was another Time Lord around was once again sparkling? Now, it's just dark and cold again. There's no one, again. I'm alone, again. And it's so tiring, losing people I care about. I often wonder why I keep trying."

I moved closer to him, and reached out, taking his hand in mine. "You've got me, Doctor. I'm still your friend. You can visit me anytime, and if you ever need a fellow traveler, well…."

He squeezed my hand, and shook himself a little. "Yeah, but you've got your 'someone special'. Don't think he'd like you taking off with another man. At least, most human males I've met wouldn't like it."

I had been looking at him while he said this, and I turned my head away, blinking rapidly as I felt my eyes filling up with tears. He didn't know…of course, how could he, since I'd not had a chance to tell him. He had just bared his hearts to me, so I guess it was my turn to do the same.

"You're not the only one who has lost so much, Doctor," I said quietly. "At least you know Rose is still alive."


	3. Chapter Three

**Disclaimer: The BBC has a wonderful swingset in their backyard. I'm just playing on it. I also enjoy taking my pet rock there for play dates with David Tennant's pet rocks.**

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He turned his head to look at me, but I couldn't quite meet his eyes. "What happened?" he asked me, his voice low and soft.

I wiped a tear from my cheek, and bit back a small sob, letting it come out as a bitter laugh instead. "I could say that you happened, Doctor. But really, it wasn't your fault. It could have been so much worse if you weren't there, so…" my voice trailed off.

"Tell me, Bugs. What happened?"

I bit my bottom lip, taking a moment to compose myself. "It was that ATMOS thing. The poison gas…it happened that day."

"I'm sorry. I tried to stop it before anyone suffocated…I'm so sorry I was too late."

"Oh, no, he didn't suffocate, Doc. He…he was killed by a Sontaran."

I felt him turn shocked eyes on me. The name of the aliens that had been trying to turn Earth into a clone world was not common knowledge at all, nor their actual intent. Most everyone just thought the ATMOS thing was an act of terrorism.

"How do you know that? Kristen, just who was your 'someone special'?"

I took a deep shaky breath and said, "He was a UNIT soldier. And he was my husband. That is the real truth of my leaving the TARDIS. He had asked me to marry him, and I had said yes. I didn't tell you because, well…you were still raw about Rose, and then Martha's infatuation with you, and then Astrid…I just didn't want to burden you with anymore relationship stuff."

"I'm sorry I gave you the impression you couldn't tell me. I would have been happy for you. Maybe concerned at you marrying a UNIT soldier, but happy never the less."

I just shrugged and gave him a small smile. He squeezed my hand and said, "So, tell me about him. How did you meet him? _When_ did you meet him?"

"I met him when I was travelling with you, actually. You remember that little mess with the two headed fish?" He nodded, and I continued. "You remember UNIT had sent a detachment to investigate? You sent me off with a couple of them, and well…he was one of them. Before I left with you, he asked me for my number. That was why, sometimes, when my phone rang, I would disappear with it. It wasn't my mom calling, it was him. Also the reason that I always had something to do when we landed on Earth. He knew where I was, in case you are wondering. He knew I was off travelling with you, and he didn't really have a problem with it, especially after he looked you up in the UNIT files."

He sat quietly for a moment or two and then said, "So, he was at the ATMOS factory that day?"

I nodded, and said, "You met him, actually. He called me just after the stupid things started spewing the gas to tell me to stay indoors and seal off the gaps under any exterior doors. He told me you were there with them, working on a solution."

"I met him? Who was he?" he asked and then his face fell. "Oh, no…please, no…tell me it wasn't…"

"Ross…his name was Ross Jenkins."

"Oh, Kristen. I'm so sorry. I liked Ross. He was nice."

"You think I would have married someone who wasn't nice? Sorry, I don't mean to sound like a wench." I sniffed and wiped my cheeks with my fingers, brushing off more tears.

He let go of my hand and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him. I dropped my head down onto his shoulder, and felt a dam burst inside of me. The tears started pouring out of me, and I couldn't seem to stop them. I covered my mouth with my hand and sat there, sobbing and shaking. The Doctor rested his cheek against the top of my head and rubbed his hand up and down my arm. I felt him turn his head and press a kiss against my forehead.

"Two months, Doctor. We had been married for only two months."

My cries came harder and I was shaking against him. He wrapped his other arm around me and didn't say anything. Really, there wasn't anything he could say that would make it any easier. Besides, I'd already heard all the platitudes about 'time healing all wounds' and that sort of crap.

"We…we were gonna have a baby. I lost it only a few weeks after….after…"

At that, the Doctor stood up from the bench, pulling me with him. We started walking back towards the end of the park where he had landed the TARDIS. I continued to lean against him, covering my face with my hands to avoid the strange looks from other people that I know had to be directed at us. He silently guided me back to the ship and opened the door. Wonderful old girl that she was, she had sensed something wrong and moved my room right up to the front of the corridor past the console room, directly across from the Doctor's room. He walked me in and laid me down on the bed. He then bent towards my feet and took my shoes off of me. He disappeared into my bathroom and came back out with a damp washcloth and wiped my face for me. I think he wasn't quite sure what to do after that, because after returning the washcloth to the bathroom, he stood next to the bed with his hands in his pockets.

"Would you like anything? Cup of tea, juice, crackers? I could go over to the Andromeda galaxy…there is this planet there that produces the best tea you have ever tasted, and the crackers taste like cinnamon…"

I sniffed, my cries having slowed down since coming back to the ship. "No, Doctor, I don't need anything to eat or drink."

"Okay," he said, rolling back onto his heels. "I'm just gonna…you know…I noticed some loose connections on the console on the trip here…" He started to turn to walk out the door, only to be stopped short by my next sentence.

"Doctor…please stay."

"Are you sure?" he said, turning back around to look at me, although he was already taking off his long overcoat.

"Yes. Pretend I just had a nightmare, and you've come in to comfort me, like you used to do."

He stood and looked at me for a moment, then nodded his head. He bent to take off his trainers, because he knew I didn't like shoes on my bedding, and even went so far as to take off his jacket and tie. He lay down on the bed behind me, spooned against me and wrapped an arm around my waist. I could feel his double heartbeat against my back, and before I knew it, I was drifting off to sleep.

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_Author's notes: I took creative license with Ross's age...I so wasn't going to have Kristen married to one of those idiots that turned against their fellow soldiers._ _I do hope everyone is enjoying this so far._


	4. Chapter Four

**Disclaimer: I've begged, but apparently begging doesn't work with Auntie Beeb. They still won't give me Doctor Who...but I think they are beginning to bend about David Tennant. The pet rock says hello to everyone.**

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I woke up what seemed like hours later, my cheek resting in the crook of Ross's neck and shoulder, my arm thrown across his waist. I snuggled closer to him and pressed a kiss to the soft skin of his neck, and my fingers began trailing up and down his side. I felt his hand on my back rubbing in little circles before slowly tracing up and down my spine. I continued kissing up his neck and jaw line, then felt myself being rolled over onto my back as warm lips pressed against mine. He made a soft moan against my mouth, and I chuckled internally at his reaction; he must have been in a mood to moan like that and just _what _was he doing with his hands? And where did he learn that trick with his tongue?

Suddenly, like a bucket of ice cold water being poured over me, the memory of recent events and just where I was came back to me and my eyes snapped open to find the Doctor slowly kissing his way down my neck, his hair tickling my cheek. I managed to get my hands between us and I pushed gently, whispering, "Doctor." He didn't hear me, and continued kissing and nibbling my collarbone.

"Doctor," I said, a little louder, pushing harder against his chest. He had one hand tangled in my hair, the other one was gripping my hip, and his mouth was now teasing my right ear.

"Doctor!" I said loudly, pushing him quite firmly away from me. His eyes finally opened, a slight smile on his face; that is, until his mind finally registered just where he was and who he was with. His mouth opened with a shocked "OH!" and his eyes looked wild. He snatched his hands away from me and rolled off of me and the bed in one motion. He stood there for a moment, looking quite embarrassed, and then turned into a whirlwind, collecting his shoes, jacket, tie, and overcoat. He headed to the door as he said quickly, "I'll be in the console room…gotta fix those connections…" and I swear, I have never seen him move quicker than he did at that point.

I lay there for a moment, in just a small bit of shock at the situation and the changes in the Doctor. He had totally lost control and forgot where he was. Of course, I almost had, too. Clearly, he and I both had some issues to work out. But first, we had to clear away the awkwardness that was bound to follow from this incident.

_Tea_, I thought, as I sat up and began pulling on my shoes. _That's what we need; a good cuppa and a long talk._

I walked into the corridor, listening for sounds from the console room. I heard a muffled Gallifreyan curse, and chuckled. I began looking for the kitchen and found that the TARDIS had either moved my room while I slept or simply moved the kitchen across the hall. I filled the kettle and turned it on to heat while I rummaged for some mugs and the tea. I finally found my favorite mug, one the Doctor had bought for me. It had a picture of Bugs Bunny dressed as the Norse Valkyrie Brynhilde, complete with blond braids and horned helmet. That was always my favorite Bugs Bunny cartoon. As I was looking for a mug for the Doctor, I found a matching one to my mug. This one had Elmer Fudd dressed in armor and horned helmet, holding a spear and looking rather fierce. I hadn't seen this one before, so I guessed the Doctor had bought it after I had left. I grinned to myself, and dropped a peppermint tea bag in mine and an Earl Grey bag into the Doctor's. The kettle went off, so I poured the water over the bags and left them to steep while I dug around for sugar and milk, and maybe some biscuits. I found a stash of chocolate ones, and arranged several on a plate. I fixed my tea with sugar, and the Doctor's with three heaping spoonfuls of sugar and a bit of milk. I hoped he still liked his tea that sweet. Everything got arranged onto a tray, and then I was off to the console room.

I stood just inside the door, and took a deep breath before stepping onto the metal grating floor of the console room. His legs were sticking out from under the console, and I could hear him muttering to himself in Gallifreyan. I always loved to hear him speak in his own language, even if I couldn't understand it. The sound was just so musical, even when he was obviously upset, cursing and ranting about who knew what.

I put the tray down on the jump seat, making sure it was secure before walking over to him and crouching down to see what he was up to. I softly cleared my throat to let him know I was there; he jumped slightly and looked at me before quickly looking away.

"I brought you some tea and biscuits. Come on; out of there…drink it before it gets cold."

"Not hungry right now, thanks."

"They're chocolate biscuits. But if you don't want them, that's fine, more for me." I stood up and moved to pick up my mug and a biscuit.

"Chocolate biscuits? Where did you find them?"

I shrugged and swallowed before answering, "In the cabinet…next to the plain ones."

He muttered under his breath, and I swear I heard him say something about hiding the chocolate and traitorous machine. He slid out from under the console and sat up, wiping his hands on a nearby cloth. I handed him his mug, and he took it with a mumbled, "Thanks." He paused a moment when he saw the mug I had chosen for him, but didn't say anything. I grabbed the tray and plopped down on the floor with him, placing the biscuits between us.

He sat there, quietly sipping his tea and munching the biscuits. I looked at him and said, "Tea okay? I wasn't sure how you liked it now."

"It's fine."

We continued to sit there, not saying a word to each other, and the awkwardness and tension continued to build. I finally put my mug down on the tray and said, "Oh, sod it. This is freaking ridiculous."

He finally turned and looked at me, his mug to his lips, his eyebrows raised. I reached over and took the mug out of his hands, placing it on the tray next to mine. "Hey, I was drinking that…" he said.

Before he could say another word, I grabbed his face in my hands, leaned over and planted a kiss on him. It wasn't a long one, nor was it particularly passionate…it was just a kiss. I pulled away from him and calmly picked up my tea, sipping it. I looked at him over the rim of the mug. He sat there with a look of shock and confusion on his face, his mouth open in a slight 'O'.

"What was that for?" he finally asked, his voice rising to a slightly squeaky note.

"It was to prove a point, Doc."

"And what point was that?"

"That sometimes, a kiss is just a kiss. It doesn't mean anything."

He sat there looking at me for a moment, then said, "Are you referring to…to…that…" He nodded his head back towards the corridor leading further into the ship. I smiled a little, and said, "Actually, yes."

"Ah."

I sighed, and put my mug down again. I reached over and clasped his hand in mine and said, "Doctor, how long have we known each other? Long time, yeah? There is no need for this moment of…well, loneliness to drive a wedge between us. It's been a rather emotional day, for both of us. We were both half asleep. I, well…I thought, in my sleep addled state…thought you were Ross." I shrugged and half smiled at him.

He looked at me and simply said, "I thought, for a moment…"

"That I was Rose."

He nodded, and looked down at the floor. I put one hand on his cheek and he looked up at me, his eyes so full of sadness. "Doc, it's okay. We picked at the scabs on our wounds, and they bled a little. These things happen. I've had a little longer than you to deal with my loss. But I promise, it gets better…it really does. But I won't lie, there are days when I don't want to get out of my bed and face the world. I deal with those days as they come, which luckily, are happening less and less."

He looked at me with such a look of hope on his face. "Kristen, I don't deserve a friend like you."

"Yes, you do, Doc. And you aren't getting rid of me. I will fight you on that point."

He smiled a little, and reached for his mug. I dropped my hands from his and picked up mine. The tea had gone cold and I grimaced a little. He laughed, grabbed his sonic screwdriver and turned the setting knob on it. He pointed it at my mug and before I knew it, my tea was hot again. He heated his, and then reached for a biscuit. He munched for a moment and then looked over at me, his eyebrow raised.

"Um, Bugs?"

"Yeah, Doc?"

"Does this count as trouble?"

"Only if you eat the last biscuit."


	5. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: BBC owns Doctor Who, and we had a setback in the negotiations concerning David Tennant. My pet rock is happily snoozing at my feet. Kristen is still mine. My beta reader, rh2006fan, is still made of awesomes.  
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"Really, I don't mind if you come along. There is plenty of room for you," the Doctor said.

"I don't know, Doc. I mean, I had my time on that fabulous ship. Shouldn't you be looking for some other wide eyed human to show off to?" I said.

He looked down and scuffed his toe on the ground. He had brought us back to Regent's Park and the circus of evil clowns. It almost appeared that he was getting better at driving the TARDIS.

"I don't think I could stand to break in a new companion right now, Bugs. I need a friend who understands the life already," he said quietly. "I'd like you to come with me again."

I looked at him, and quirked my lips into a smile. He looked up at me from under his eyelashes, giving me his best puppy dog eyes. I laughed and said, "Oi, Doc, the little boy look only works the first few times."

He shrugged and said, "Worth a shot at it, anyway."

I shook my head at him and said, "Okay. I'll come with you…"

"Oh, brilliant!" he exclaimed, starting forward to throw his arms around me in a hug.

"…on one…maybe two…conditions."

He stopped suddenly and looked at me suspiciously. "Conditions? And what would those be?"

"One, you take me back to my house so I can pack properly. No way am I traveling all over the universe in the same outfit!"

He rolled his eyes, and muttered, "Women. Giant wardrobe on the TARDIS, and she wants her own clothing."

I poked him in his chest and said, "Two…we both need catharsis and closure."

His forehead furrowed as he lowered his eyebrows. "What do you mean?" he said.

"You take me to the same places you took the others. In return, when you bring me back home on occasion, you go with me to the places I spent time with Ross. We make new memories there. We remember the good times. We heal each other."

His face smoothed out to his blank look. "I don't know, Kristen…"

"Doctor. You told me what Davros said…you have to face your demons. Everyone does. If you don't, they just grow and fester into something dark and ugly. You can do this. And I'll be there with you, holding your hand."

He sighed heavily, and finally nodded his head in agreement. I smiled gently and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me, squeezing once, and pulled back to look at me. "Welcome back aboard, Bugs."

The Doctor lived up to his word. We visited several places he had been with Rose, Martha, and Donna. He went with me to the places where I had spent time with Ross. We laughed over funny moments, and shed a few tears together. We slowly began to heal each other. On at least 39 percent of the planets we visited, we didn't get into any trouble.

We were standing on the surface of a dry desert like planet, with the sunset painting the sky a warm golden orange. There were creatures flying around in the sky, like giant manta rays. That was when he turned to me and asked me an important question.

"How long are you gonna stay with me?"

I turned my head to look at him. He looked back at me with a mix of emotions in his eyes; pain, loneliness, fear, and a small touch of hope. I smiled gently at him and answered him in the only way I could.

"As long as it takes, Doctor."

I reached out my hand toward him and found his reaching toward me. We both turned our heads to watch the sun sink below the horizon, and I knew that we were both going to be okay.

We're still traveling together, the Doctor and me, in more ways than one. There are people who say that life is a journey along a crooked path. One of the darkest parts of the journey is dealing with the loss of a loved one. If you are lucky, you find someone else traveling that same path. You'll find that the road isn't as rough as you thought it was, and it's easier to keep your balance when you have a hand to hold on to.


End file.
